I don't know what all of the fuss is about over the TSA and their new body searches and x-ray machines. As a matter-of-fact, I've got a travel story you've just got to hear.
It was November 15th and I was scheduled onto a flight from Reno to Portland. The flight left early in the morning and I did my duty and arrived 90 minutes before scheduled departure; there were not many people in the airport. I have an artificial hip and have been going through the pat-downs for years. Not knowing of the new full-body x-ray machine and procedures, I stopped long before the security area and went through my customary method of loosening shoes, moving stuff from my pockets to my carry-on computer case, taking off my watch and belt buckle and that sort of thing.
At the podium, the TSA agent went through the routine of telling me what I could bring on board and checking my identification and ticket. Then, he waived me forward to the baggage check area, where I again methodically removed my shoes and put my various stuff into the bins for the x-ray machine. Finally, I went to the new scanning device where my eyes set on the most beautiful woman I have ever seen in all of my years at any time or any place. Her deep, inviting blue eyes met mine. "Hello, handsome," she gushed.
"Well, hello there yourself," I stammered.
She proceeded to tell me about the new machine and the new pat-down procedures and gave me a choice, and I stepped into the machine. "My goodness," she exclaimed. "There are some suspicious things on this scan. I am going to have to give you the full pat-down anyway. Step over here." I did as she instructed, wondering what in the hell she had discovered. "Stand right here with your legs slightly apart and your arms extended to the sides."
Her golden hands swept deftly over the outsides of my shirt sleeves. "Oh, you have nice muscles," she whispered into my ear. Then, most unexpectedly, she stuck her tongue right into my ear. A shiver of passion started to rise in my body. "We have to check everywhere," she explained.
Her hands massaged my chest, then my back and down each leg, then back up to my groin area, where she stopped and gingerly, lightly poked and prodded, then stroked. "I wish we were in a motel room," she whispered, as she tongued my other ear. "You're all clear and you can go now, but I wish you wouldn't. Please come back and see me, or give me a call. Here's my number."
My God, I was so excited that it was all I could do to move. Then, another voice from nowhere interrupted: "Pardon me, sir, but you have just gone through the new TSA Security Check-In procedure. I'm Cliff Reynolds from FOX and I'd like to know what your opinion is of the procedure. Did you like it? I glanced at the agent and she was running her tongue around the edges of her gorgeous red lips.
"God, yes, it is beyond my wildest imagination," I replied. And, I highly recommend the experience to you, too, my friend. Book a flight today; you'll be so glad you did.
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